In other news,
One of my favorite parts of having online banking is logging onto my bank account and dolefully discovering how much money I don’t have. And they always have some precursor pop-up page too, asking me to be patient as they verify my security settings, and it is without a doubt that in that brief respite, I hope a glitch in the system will transpose the numbers and for one, utterly visceral...
A VISIT WITH DR. LOVE
My doctor recently told me that I have the most perfect ear drums she’s ever seen. “Wow!” She exclaimed, holding up a light inside my ear canal. I shivered as the metal touched my skin. “Is something wrong?” Casually, I tried to conceal my anxiety. Ever since I was a kid I had a fear that massive wax buildup would be the death of me. Seriously. ...
this can't wait for thanksgiving
i am thankful for produce sales at the market, bell peppers (all colors), and salmon, for doctors and filipino nurses, for empty houses. i am thankful for music on wax, for 45s and speakers, for clean laundry, for old friends, for new friends, for best friends. i am thankful for paychecks and new nail polish. i am thankful for yoga and dinners, for healthy hearts and phone calls, for blackberrys...
A PLAY IN ONE ACT
A man approaches a woman in a bar. They are both in their mid twenties. It is night. Man, nodding toward the woman’s drink: Whaddya drinking? Woman: Whiskey. Man: Straight? Woman (wryly smiling): No, with ice. Man (guffaw): Ahh. Okay. You know, such a beautiful woman as yourself shouldn’t be drinking such a manly drink. Woman: I’m a femininst. Equal opportunitist more...
how i know that i'm a girl
DISCLAIMER: these items are humorously based on gender stereotypes. i do not believe that such qualities measure a true woman. we are a much more complex species…most of us. -i have an affinity for flowers. though, i hate roses. brown-bag some tulips or lilies, and i might keep you around. -spitting is gross. -sports are beyond me. however, i have surprised myself in knowing that today...
1. i’ve been having this recurring dream where everyone i know—the ones i love, the ones i dislike, the down and outs, childhood friends and acquaintances—simply abandon me. by the time i wake up, trying to grasp onto any recollection of the details of my dream, i am always left without the answer to why i am abandoned. i wake up disoriented, and the rest of my day is thrown...
why yes, you're a pansy
me: hey dawg
him: i found the charger when i was cleaning your room, so ima just take it with me when i leave
me: ok cool
i kinda moved a thing or two around...i dunno
me: like what
him: i think it looks nice
your record player
me: haha i totally forgot i asked you to clean my room
me: hey...did you find a dead bug...by any chance?
him: what the
what an odd question
me: behind my curtain
i thought there was one there
so i was avoiding the curtain
for like a month.
me: yes, i am an independent woman
working on her masters
him: avoiding curtains
me: just horrified of other living creatures that are exponentially smaller than me
him: or dead creatures
me: oh yeah. shit. that's actually pathetic.
TRAFFIC UPDATE: I HATE YOU, OC TRAFFIC
One of the great tragedies of living in Southern California is sitting in 3 hours worth of traffic for a 20-mile drive home. Humans aren’t supposed to live this way, and never was it more appropriate for me to want to crawl up in the back seat of my car, take up the fetal position, and cry until the traffic cleared. The problem: a huge accident on the 91 freeway caused it to be shut down,...