Literary People are the Best People
Last night I partied with Jesus while taking shots of Jim Beam (Jesus was on a budget), while Robin the Boy Wonder and Alan Grant berated Jesus for depleting the dinosaur race: “Wait, so if God created man in his image, and he created dinosaurs, does that mean God is a dinosaur?” These are important questions, you know, especially over whiskey. Also, Hamlet made an appearance, ever...
Let it be known that when the Universe turns against me, I become increasingly giving and opportunely witty. Like today for instance. 8:30a, stopped at a red light, and the blue Volkswagen came colliding into my be-hind. Non-consensually, of course. And when I got out of my car to find a blubbering mess of a 21-year-old more shaken up from hitting rather than being hit (like myself), I coddled and...
Thoughts on My Way to Class:
When did I begin my affinity for bearded men? I mean, maybe not bearded men, per se, but some healthy amount of scruff, a lil’ shadow on that strapping face. I have spotted many today, thankfully too because my gaydar has proved most irritatingly defective. Two steps here, eye meets beard, the Romance begins. Perhaps it’s the element of mystery—but then again, I’d hate to...
Requests of a Misanthrope:
-Partake in my elitist assholery when intoxicated -Buy me books -Listen to Kanye’s “Monster” and bob your head accordingly -Text message me in alliterative phrases -Prove otherwise -Know how to distinguish between you’re and your -Open your window. It’s raining. -Challenge me, disprove me. -Do my math -Speak to me in declarative sentences -Quiet my mind...
Because I need motivation, and Kid Cudi does his...
I’m writing this in lieu of being productive, because well, I’m tired of being productive. I don’t want to be one of those grad students who has sacrificed the better half of her twenties for the the sake of a fucking diploma. No, it’s more than that. Or perhaps the illusion is more enticing than that. I feel like I’m still on some residual high, my body stuck between...
conversations with my sister: sunday edition
me: you want breakfast?
sister: i work at 11:30.
me: it's 9:00, though.
sister: true. but i hate eating out for breakfast on sundays. places are always crowded.
me: but it's 9:00, though. people are still hung over. or at church.
me: ok, let's go. my treat.
sister: do you have a cd player in your car? we can listen to my--
me: are you asking if i have a cd player in my car that was manufactured in 2005? is that what you are asking?
sister: SORRRRY--some of us don't have cars that have CD players. some of us have janky cars.
me: yours is nice. what is it? from the late 80s, early 90s or something?
sister: 1996, rachel. 1996. i have a freakin' cassette player.
sister: you wanna try it? it's chorizo omelet.
me: i hate chorizo.
me [after reluctantly taking a bite]: oh, that's gross. wait, that was good. yeah. that was good. that was really good.
waiter: how's it going over here, ladies?
sister: good, my fat sister is eating all of my food.
me: you're a dirty whore.
sister: love you.
me: love you too.
me: hello? didn't you just leave my house?
sister: yes, there was a bunny outside of your door.
me: you realize we live in a world inhabited by animals.
sister: but it was like a...bunny. a house one.
me: you mean a pet?
sister: yes! a pet! it was just sitting there! awkward.
me: get over yourself.
STREAM MY CONSCIOUSNESS
During my two-hour commute to work today: Yessss, so glad it’s overcast. Reminds me of Seattle. Ooh, Seattle. Cafe Vida—some of the best coffee I’ve ever tried. Dark roast. Or was it a latte? I only remember the—-Damn it! Here we go. Traffic already. I’m not even on the 60 yet. Woman! Really?! Find it within yourself to push on the gas! Perpetuate the stereotype!...